i had an epiphany of sorts today, or a minor realization at least of why i am in australia.

yes, it is for self discovery but i have been wondering lately what is it about myself that i am trying to discover?

what profound emotion was it that sparked the will to leave my home, my family, my support system, my familiarity, my wonderful world to ponder my thoughts – my existence – in another country?

this is the question that spun in my head while walking home from work and against a backdrop of drizzling rain and the ballads of mumford and sons pounding from my headphones, i found my answer, threefold as it may be:

1) the challenge to find clarity outside my comfort zone.

2) the dire need to cope with loneliness and my own emotions.

3) to experience missing the fundamental principles that comprise my life.

to elaborate…..

1) clarity.  as i’ve written before, life got noisy.  i tried to do everything at once.  time filled up and i became panicked with this feeling of drowning, gasping for air.  i was failing at my commitments and no longer felt fulfilled.  i needed to breathe, it was time to declutter.  it was time to close chapters and start a new – start with an empty piece of paper and truly start writing my own story.  a much simpler one.  one of adventure – exploring new territory.  a foreign fairytale far, far away.

2) embracing loneliness.  despite my stubborn streak of independence and dire interest to do most hings by myself, i was always taking comfort in burdening those closest to me with my emotional antics rather than learning how to cope with my intense sentiment on my own.  now i am not saying that loved ones were not there for me because they have been and continue to be.  in fact, i am ridiculously fortunate to have many close confidant that ‘get me’.  rather what i am trying to articulate is that i think was starting to take that for granted.  i wanted to be a strong person, i wanted to learn how to survive.  i really wanted to know what it was to be detached, without any shoulder to cry on.  to grow up and unravel many emotional clusters.  i wanted to prove myself that i could get lost, sense my direction and find my own way home.

3. missing familiarity.  when i removed myself from everyone and everything that i love and know i instantaneously realized what and who would satay me.  i’ve always had a strong sense of self-awareness but i was losing focus the priorities in my life.  i miss my sisters (the loves of my life), my family (solidarity), my friendships (safe havens) and my involvements (passion) absolutely everyday but i would like to think that distance is making me a better listener, a stronger role model for my sisters, a more appreciative daughter and a more supportive friend.  i also realize that i too am missable.  life got way too fast and i wasn’t paying attention to the amazing individuals that exist in my world.  since being away i am noticing the gorgeous young women that my sisters are maturing into, the happy milestones (weddings, babies and accomplishments) that friends are celebrating and the laugh lines embedded in my parents faces as the gracefully age.  i am prepared to miss important moment in people’s live but this sensation of realizing how truly lucky i am to be surrounded by rare, unique souls is worth it.  and hopefully i can be to them what they are to me – an internal sense og gravitating love and support.

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i don’t think the above is the most fluid english i have ever written, they are merely fast thoughts scribbled on paper then digitalized.  some people have asked me if i ran away from anything i confidently reply “no i am merely taking the next step in my life:.  i had anxiety at the beginning that perhaps i’m being selfish, that my motives for relocating was all about me.  but then i was told by my dear friend AT that “in order to make others happy, you have to happy yourself”.  and that is what i am doing – finding happiness albeit in a different part of the world.