sitting up atop a mountain, buried under snow and torrential rain, i have a lot of time to ponder.
for a while my thoughts are varied, wandering from the awe of seeing Australian snow to a fleeting flashback of the past couple of months. to the fretting fear of not knowing what to do next. i don’t know if it’s the stillness of the high altitude or short term impact of cabin fever, being cooped up in a tiny room for two straight days but i feel lonely, reasonably sad for the first time since arriving down under.
i can feel pressure creeping back into my life but i think it is self induced. then there is this pang of shame i feel for having slept with a bartender in an act of being socially wreckless, sexually desperate. perhaps it was momentary companionship i needed? to just feel wanted by another? then realizing that sex with a stranger does not do much. in fact, it makes the void feel a little deeper, a little more empty.
mount hotham is scenic, picture perfect even. a weekend up in the clouds was meant to do me some good. but instead it left my mind foggy, something unresolved. truly making me question for the first time since leaving in march, what am i doing here? where am i going? and really, i have no answer. no sense of certainty. and i must admit, i am utterly scared.