i haven’t been creatively vocal lately.  a combination of some silent soul searching, professional diversions, life alterations and fond farewells have kept my mind preoccupied.  i have rejoiced in being busy, finding my stride again.  after 18 months of stumbling some sound sense of direction has been reintroduced back into my life, which i have taken as a blessing in disguise.  because for a while there things were getting a little messy.  but with sheer confidence and after three months of turning myself inside out i feel like i have done some personal housekeeping – a life cleanse as one friend put it – and cleaning my act up.

which is why i am so elated to find my thoughts wandering again; an inclination to start writing again.  i must admit though this new adrenaline to resume my written discourse is infused by sitting on a plane listening to bon iver’s sound-stunning and lyrically-charged album, for emma, forever ago. 

destination: wellington.

purpose: business (but with organized efficiency i have been able to schedule in laneway pub crawling, a one-day café walking tour, some theatrical performances and my own personal gig guide.)

so here i am – once again up in the clouds.  and with it, my thoughts.  in addition to this blog i keep a journal which is slowly involving into more of a “thought and inspiration notebook”.  it is with me all the time and if i read something, feel something, see something, hear something or taste something, I write it down.  then later on i revisit a page and quite often cannot remember why it was noteworthy but on some day, at some point in time, the words or sensation was worth scrawling down. 

not really having linear thoughts with this entry i am going to pause for a moment and consult my notebook for further commentary.

[pause…reaching for book…cramped airplane seat makes it difficult to reach…but…got it!]

opening up at random the scribbles are not my own but a quote i read by a musician about moving cities followd:

i was pushed to the limits of loneliness.  and that is when you r survival mechanism either steps up or you crumble and fall into a heap.  i did the first option.  the desperation helped me crystallise the wild ideas in my head.  i left behind everything i knew to start a new life.  i’m kind of straddling two countries.

i remember exactly why i recorded this statement.  i remember the awe-inspiring honesty in which the musician admitted to being lonely, desperate and wild.  i remember thinking “if he can shed this honesty in a popular indi magazine then surely i can have the courage to disclose similar apprehensions and doubts to those that have been following my personal development.”

so, with disclosure, here it goes…

with stoic bravery i have been running on adrenaline and a naïve sense of wonder since arriving in melbourne.  yes, i left my beloved toronto because i was lonely – lonely in the sense that i had spent 4 years hindered by things that weren’t fulfilling me.  it was only in the love of some unique human beings and beautiful souls that i found a sense of purpose, a small voice to say “nicole, this isn’t you.  find another way.”  those safe keepers – you know who you are: you drank ciders with me, you gave me your sock, you called me birdie, you lived down the street from me, you were my roommate, you became my penpal, and you took me into your home in the weeks leading up to the start of this crazy adventure.

in melbourne I found the many things i had neglected – culture, music, art, individual character, balance, meditation, creativity.  and when this was all laid out in front of me i felt naked and bare.  fraudulent in fact.  so i turned myself loose, became completely undone while feeling guilty for doing what we are all meant to do – live.  i’ve always felt obligated to do what social convention expects of me rather than doing what my heart inspires me to seek out.  that is until the most recent, final consequence.

when you let yourself come undone, however, parts of you are revealed that otherwise are kept hidden.  i pushed myself to a point until i combusted.  i hurt and lost some people along the way but instead of still running i stopped and made a decision then and there that i was tired – exhausted of pretending to be fine.  so, i did the messy cry.  i had my tantrum.  and when i finally composed myself, i took stock of those that i had lost and made a commitment to myself to move forward with honesty, integrity and respect. 

it is a commitment that i am proud to say i have stuck to.  and the loneliness – it has subsided.  the desperation – it has been replaced with an eagerness to take life in holistic stride.  and the wildness – it has been tamed with class and responsibility (while still having some zany fun nonetheless). 

honesty and self awareness is a healthy space to be in.  it is confronting but it isn’t a weakness.  it is an empowering strength that is propelling me into a life of authentic fulfilment and happiness that otherwise would have remained hidden under despair and uncertainty.

of course I was always fine – i know i always will be.  resiliency is something i am proud of – but confronting my disparity, admitting to my loneliness – it is an enduring test that i’ve even more proud to be surviving.

now let’s move onward with the adventure…..