he is not a potential suitor but your attraction to him is spurred by irrational emotions.  it is neither lust or love — it is merely aching, perpetual loneliness.  the hangover of an empty bed.  sleep with yourself.  an affair with dignity before you can expect another to genuinely lay next to you.

“being single, living the idea of it, and actually living by the virtues of being Self-Reliant – its an act of bravery … its being happily committed to oneself … being single is also a status; it is a relationship you establish between you, your ego, your dignity, your confidence and your own inequity. It is about dealing with your flaws, learning to love your faults and accepting your not-so-beautiful qualities”

-article from the thought catalog on being single

it happens again — the drunk hook up.  you wake to him getting dressed without as little as a peck on the mouth.  ‘please don’t go’ you want to shout but the morning is rising and you are the only one of the two that wishes to enjoy this for just a little longer.

“do not beg for what does not want to stay,” you read in an article the next day.  you sigh.  your heart beats for the same broken man.  recycled emotions at best.  navigating yourself through emotional judgements that ink your heart, tattooed reminders that he is not right for you.  but none of this matters for you want him right now.  you poor confused soul, you’ve done it again, mixing up true love for a false fuck.

“when you love someone and it goes to waste.”

-‘fix you’, coldplay

you love him so much and even though you know it — and you — have gone to a drunken waste. you would do it all over again to learn about each other by doing things together.  but he won’t do things with you for he only wants to do you.  the entire composition of what he has done to you is nothing but a dream … it’s your broken reality.

“eliminate the unnecessary and focus on the substance”

-tommy ramone

and then it happens.  the final hangover — the final hung heart.  he dresses and you’re a mess.  but instead of the lingering i love you you desperately want him out of your bed.  out of your head.  out of heart.  you are done with him.  you’re digging the confidence in the tone of your own voice.  you acknowledge the feelings of disappointment.  you met a cool guy that you jive with.  you put yourself out there and you took a risk.  but he took advantage of that.  perhaps you enabled it at first, perhaps you had no idea what he or it was or is.  but you know confidently that it is no more.

of course, you let yourself feel whatever you were feeling, whatever you are still feeling, but you don’t lose sight of the strong perspective that you deserve a guy who is strong enough to be your man.