vulnerable lessons.

April 26, 2010

gaining perspective.

i made the foolish decision to become vulnerable around a boy.  to take a risk by taking down the walls, to take no fear in falling for him.  and just as i stumbled, overcome with emotion, i get my heartbroken before anything really began.

as any girl would do when her heart is fluttering uncontrollably, i pushed for emotional clarity instead of letting things naturally unwind.  and in that honest moment that no girl who is falling wants to hear, it was my heart that came undone.

so, messy cry and all, i sat, devastated and crushed as it was explained to me that feelings were not mutual.  a fondness, an admiration, yes, but nothing worth falling for.  i’m told i’m lovely – inspiring even – honest compliments that i appreciate but i still feel broken, humiliated.

trying to keep my head held high i explained how certain actions and words led me on, confused my thoughts.  a defensive response in return i began to wonder if my feelings were even feelings at all.  part angry, part thinking he is a coward, part of me wanting to continue hanging on to moments because i am not ready to let go.  how is it possible that one day i’m told “you give me goosebumps” and then the next day he is pushing me away?  i truly don’t understand but the one thing i am sure of: i cannot continue to wake up every morning hoping that he will notice me.  i want someone with no distractions.

——–

it suddenly hits me that i am alone and scared in melbourne.  and i’m feeling this for the first time.  and i know it is partially infused to complicated emotions but mostly because i’ve riding out the motions of a girl who i avoid to be: the heartbroken girl.  but i know i will be okay.  melbourne is not about a boy – it never has been.  yes, there were some moments that lifted me, made me utterly alive and beautiful and fond memories they will be.  this is melbourne – this is me.  and i don’t do heartbreak.  yes, i knew that falling for a boy would come with some risk in getting hurt.  and hurt i may be but i am also a better person in feeling for another.  and forever dear he will be to me.  and happiness, well, it’s never been defined by a boy anyway.

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About beautifulbird

a very curious lass with oh-so-much to say. this blog, a creative space for me and my words to play.

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