a silent letter to a patient friend.

for what it is worth i want you to know that i’m exhausted, tired and drained from uncharacteristic scenes (which i wholeheartedly admit are usually infused by my irrational – and ridiculous – behaviour).  and if i’m exhausted by the drama, i can only imagine that you are ready to hibernate.

i guess what i’m trying to convey is that i don’t want this to be the sign of a depleting friendship.  i think we are more resilient than that.  as you know i’m overly sensitive to close friends being mad at me or frustrated with me. i’m sorry that i’ve caused you to push away.  yes, it has been intense but i’m forever grateful for you putting up with loopy, sentimental, emotional me.  i’m also greatly appreciative of our growing friendship as i get to know you better and gain an enormous amount of respect for you.  you definitely propped me up, helped me transition and in retrospect, i think i selfishly took advantage of that.  instead of relying on you as a friend i think somehow i was depending on you as an emotional crutch too – and even i know – and should have realized – how much pressure that can put on someone.  in all honesty – i became ‘that girl’ whose antics annoys me to no end – i’m in the reverse and unfortunately for me, it is coming at the expense of a dear friend (you) that took me to recognize it.  i personally have experienced first hand what it is like to have a close (male) friend get emotionally confused and push, push, push until i either feel so repelled by him or the friendship deteriorates.  i do not want you feeling that way about me and the integrity – the value – of our friendship is something i genuinely want to remain in tact.
i know you have heard this all before.  and shamefully, this all seems to happen when alcohol is involved.  most times i am fun and social but i do have the tendancy of relying on booze to cover up my insecurites instead of just relying on my natural ability to connect with people, or cope with things.  i’ve been confused, on an adrenaline rush and in desire for male attention over the past 12 months and believe me – an overly passionate/emotional girl mixed with confusion and a yearning to want someone to find her attractive does not make for a good cocktail.  and as we’ve witnessed, it makes for a bitch of a hangover too. 
i know i have things to deal with.   not so much in relation to you but with my own confidence and how i want to shape myself in this next phase of my life.  and by being fully honest with you about everything – i feel a sense of relief.  a long the way i’ve used you as a scapegoat or as i mentioned above – a crutch – rather than a support system.  by looking at everything i have come full circle, i understand the part you play in my life now – a vital friend who pulled me out of a very unhappy rut.  and you know what, i wouldn’t trade it in for anything.
i’m really happy to be where i am.  taking refuge in australia is perhaps the best decision i’ve ever made.  i really feel like i’m building a solid foundation in which to continue my adventure down under.  not that i am meaning to use this as an excuse, but i have been through a lot in the past eight months and there have been times that i was utterly blindsided by one thing or another – whether it be figuring out emotions, feeling lonely, dealing with my family, rebuilding my esteem.  figuring out oneself is perhaps one of life’s greatest challenges with tremendous ups and downs (a rollercoaster ride that i know you can relate to).  and your patience through the start of this particular chapter – well, it has been commendable to say the least.  i feel strong – more alive than i have probably been in the last 5 years.  i’m ready to move on.  i’m ready to just “be me”.  no more patheic, melodramatic me.  rather the “i’m a good person, get out there and have fun” me.  
i am also excited for you – for all the wonderful things that are coming your way.  you’re working hard, you’re a phenomenal person and you deserve everything that is good in your life.  i just hope you can regain your trust in me and let me be there for you to watch it all unfold.  i want to be the friend to you that you have been to me.
(i never ended up sending this letter to whom it was written for.  so why post it?  because the content tested my ability to be honest with myself and someone that i believed i was hurting.  however, i did fail at the bravery of not sending the letter but at the time they were words i felt i needed to write down but not necessarily have read out loud.)

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