i was told this week that i lost my center of balance.  more in respect of not being able to run, my outlet for coping and instilling a healthy habit into my life.  and i thought that would explain why i have been feeling tired and heavy.  but it’s not because i am not able to run, i can cope with that, it’s more the resurfacing of how i was feeling a year ago – unhappy and withdrawn.  i am starting to feel complacent.  like i am not achieving anything.  that i am just existing, watching time idly passing me by.  this is why it’s time for a change, a new direction.  i know i want it to be in melbourne.  still, i need more time here.  i know that i want to make better money so i can do more things, help more people.  but i am back to no believing in myself.  not making decision that make me happy.  i think i will forever struggle with what it means to put myself first.  i have huge expectation for myself and the impact i want to make on this world.  and i suppose that is when i lose me center of balance – that feeling of achieving anything, of just floating, looking for purpose, and it frustrates me most because things like money, influence and power shouldn’t matter but they do.  i thought that i could get by on goodwill alone and i’m learning that you can’t.  so, now time to refocus and figure out how to get ahead.  because being behind is something i don’t do.  i wonder if all of this constitutes as a moral dilemma – making life decision for ultimate happiness and if so, am i being honest with myself?