i’ve been pining a lot lately over the deterioration of what i thought was one of the greatest, most genuine friendships in my life.  until recently i never questioned the value of our friendship.  we’ve been through so much together.  there has always been mutual respect, understanding.  its one of those friendships that doesn’t permit awkwardness – the bond is so strong that it is possibly unbreakable.  and i don’t know if its because we are changing or want/need different things from each other, from the relationship, but it has become complicating – too complex for what friendship is meant to be.  and i don’t know if its because i’m partially angry, partially annoyed, partially trying to hang on to the last ounce of decency in the friendship but the sentiment “some friend you turned out to be” repeats in my head.  and i don’t want to think this way but after being treated like you are a distant stranger one can’t help but think “is this something worth saving”.

and then while trying to write out my frustrations the song “some friend” by the eels hit my playlist and for the first time i really listened to it and had to google the lyrics:

Loyalty is easy when you’re king
Doesn’t matter who’s around to bring

Some friend you turned out to be
Looking cool but anyone can see
That you don’t know where you’re going to
But I have some idea

Kowtow to everybody’s whims
That’s what’ll finally do you in

Some friend you turned out to be
Looking cool but anyone can see
That you don’t know where you’re going to
But I have some idea

Sorry but I’ve got a train to catch
Gonna leave you and your schemes to hatch

Some friend you turned out to be
Looking cool but anyone can see
That you don’t know where you’re going to
But I have some idea

and painsakingly enough it was the message in this song that made me just realize that the friend isn’t the friend that i thought i knew.  however, i’m determined to understand where we went wrong.  after all, the people you love are worth fighting for.  but then again, how long – and how hard – do you fight until ultimately, you break?