ik hou van je.

i got to thinking about “being in love” today while listening to a new album ‘the people’s key’ by the bright eyes.  there was something in particular in the lyrics that made my heart rewind – taking me back about 10 years to the one and only time that i would consider having been in love…..

it was during my first year at university when i met a guy and became instantly intrigued by a pair of big blue eyes and a crafty, witty sense of humor.  over months of insightful and intelligent exchange of thought, opinion and values, days turned into late nights of listening to music and losing ourselves in laughter without tiring because we never paid attention to time.

then somewhere between the teasing, the tension and the longing for a first kiss my curiosity turned into fond infatuation.  yet it was a particular moment where the sun was about to come up and a mutual favourite song was playing when in the heat of flirtatious banter i was tempted to cross the room and kiss him.  rather, too timid and scared, i picked up his shoe and threw it at him with harmless intention. 

yes, a shoe.

not the most romantic diversion but it delayed the inevitable – i was falling in love, truly and completely.

we did end up caving into our curiosity and fondness for one another.  we fell in love and although it was short and hard and messy (like all young love is), i remember it being tremendously profound.

and here i am after 10 years of mistaken heartbreak and reckless feelings and flawed relationships – letting the enjoyment of lyrics come back into my life.  and just like lyrics led me to love so many years ago i find myself today nostalgically asking ‘have i ever been in love?  fully and truly?’.

for all the crushes and infatuations that have entertained my heart throughout my playful 20s i don’t take away from how i felt about the men in my life but i also never thought there was an instance that i would attribute to real love.  but apparently it turns out i have.  and i can only hope that his life is as full and happy that it deserves to be.

why has this all come rushing back now?  inevitably, i don’t know.  perhaps it was the retro sentiment of the music or the warmth of a really nice memory.  or perhaps its just another nostalgic flashback during this journey of self-discovery.

whatever sparked these thoughts it still makes me smile and blush, whispering “ik hou van je lekading”.

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