‘a’ is for anhedonia.

talk about work your way to get somewhere and once the milestone is achieved you realize you don’t really want to be there anymore.  is this wanting too much or never feeling your appetite for life is full enough?

a letter from my six, the girl in the moon (she knows who she is), back in november aced the term, this plagued sentiment i can never shake:  anhedonia, “the loss of the capacity to experience pleasure” … or as i’ve always said to my baby sis, being distracted by the pretty little shiny things.

in medical terms, anhedonia is “a core clinical feature of depression, schizophrenia, and some other mental illnesses” (medicinenet.com).  and although i’m not crazy (medically at least) and life thrills me i just find that the excitement of things escape me as quickly as they enthuse me.

is it because nothing is ever good enough or more to the fact that my years down under have introduced to me the things i always thought i would do but never really had the courage or knowledge to achieve?  or perhaps these are the motions you go through – you think one thing is the way it is until it materializes but then unknowingly deep down you are wanting something entirely different.  uncommitted or just brave to not give up on fulfilling your dreams?  or too determined to live nine lives in one?  dammit, i should have been a cat.

all jokes aside, i know that i’m still getting to where i’m going and even when i get there i will crave to know how many kilometres until the next turn.  but surely there is away around this.  the signs says no speeding in the “right now” lane, don’t they?

perhaps this is just a rant of anticipation — overly stoked for the next steps.  or perhaps this is a confession to stop me in my treks.  all in, it sure is one hell of a mindfulness mess … static confusion at its best.

how about you? … any moments of anhedonia in your life?  surely i’m not the only one out there …

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