its been some time now since i’ve felt scared. hurt, of course–i’m a human who lives fiercely and unapologetically through her emotions after all. heart wide open. nurtured but still naive at times.
scared though? hardly, no.
thrilled? definitely, yes. that injection of adrenaline that overwhelms you when you’re wrapped up in unconventional lust. even when wrapped up in combustible arms. still never scared. mortified at times–consequently (and ignorantly) being ‘that girl’ once or twice. yet never terrified. a feeler of many sentiments, scared hasn’t really crossed my mind.
as i’ve shared in an earlier post i have committed to being vulnerable this year. no ego, no pride just open and accepting of everything pleasantly kind and all things unkindly pleasant. and while this does not make me scared–i’m a brave bird–the blurred background of what comes next, the luring love, is what shivers me to bits.
i do acknowledge that i am reckless with my heart. perhaps so much so that i’m not scared of being by myself–i’m scared about sharing my raw self with another; letting him know me, experience me. the confidence is there no doubt, any beau would be ever so lucky to hold my hand, hear me laugh … tender lips, kissed. sweet ruby-red bliss.
a warm bed, a song played, a “i think you’re a helluva a gal”–i wouldn’t know what to do with all that. perhaps there have been too many raphaels in my life–good men, good friends (and yes, good sex). perhaps i walked away when in fact i should have stopped to listen to his words. promiscuous and playful have just seemed easier … intangible, inevitable endings made simple.
but when i think about longing for my lover and trust me i will one day the lyrics from the tragically hip silently play:
i could make you scared, if you want me to
i’m not prepared, but if i have to
he said, i can make you scared, it’s kind of what I do
if you’re prepared, here’s what i propose to do
if you can make me scared, if that’s what you do
if I’m unclear, can I get out of this thing with me and you
if you feel scared, and a bit confused
i got to say, this sounds a little beyond anything i’m used to
and so there you have it. i’m putting it out there. i haven’t even met you yet and already you make me scared. but this is to be expected for in being vulnerable how can one ever be prepared?
the tragically hip playing ‘scared’ @ the fillmore: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8wqbGTE30Y