it doesn’t seem to matter what i tell myself or how i feel.  i am in love with the impossible.  in love with someone that i credit for changing my life.  in love with a gorgeous guy that makes me smile endlessly, trip over my toes happy.  in love with a distraction for nearly two years.  in love with someone who looks at me and sees me but not in a way that love needs to be seen.  in love but rejected.  in love with….well…as i write out these thoughts i am not quite sure that this complicated mess in my heart is love but exactly what it is – an impossibility.  a distraction that i fondly welcomed whilst unhappy and confused.  in love with the idea of love perhaps?  after all, in time of isolation and loneliness my heart will grab onto an intimate moment in order to feel some sense of comfort.  but as i’m regaining strength and as my natural zest for life is slowly restored i am becoming more aware that indeed i am in love with the impossible – and i knew that all along.  and even though i knew it i didn’t want it because i needed that idea of love to distract me and pull me away from what was until i had the self honesty and integrity to find my own way.